Powerless

What do I want anymore? Life? What life?
To go? Go where? To live? Live what?
I can imagine but I cannot decide.
I can think but do I have the power?
Can I change? Can things change?
Can I work? Am I working? Aren't I?
What do I do? Where do I go?
Am I trying too hard? Or not hard enough?
Does it come naturally? Does happiness come
when least expected? Like rain? Love? Pain?
Does it come last after a hard day's work?
Does it come when I finally stop looking?
What if I stop looking and I never find it?
It never comes?
What comes to those who seek?
What comes to those who wait?
What comes to those who wait and see?
I wait and see.
As I work I stare out and imagine more.
A different world, a different life, a different place. 
Never where I am, but always different.
Never present, always far away.

QUESTION EVERYTHING

   So I finally read the masterpiece of the cynical, and all I want to share are two excerpts from which I took two of the greatest life lessons I have ever learned. 

LESSON #1- 

    '"Why didn't you give her a good shove?" said Julia. "I would have."
     "Yes, dear, you would have. I would have, if I'd been the same person then as I am now. Or perhaps I would--I'm not certain."
     "Are you sorry you didn't?"
     "Yes. On the whole I'm sorry I didn't."
      They were sitting side by side on the dusty floor. He pulled her close against him. Her head rested on his shoulder, the pleasant smell of her hair conquering the pigeon dung. She was very young, he thought, she still expected something from life, she did not understand that to push an inconvenient person over a cliff solves nothing.'

(^FUCK)

 LESSON #2,

   '--- Being in a minority, even a minority of one, did not make you mad. There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad. ---- He was safe, everything was all right. He fell asleep murmuring "Sanity is not statistical," with the feeling that this remark contained in it a profound wisdom.'

Friend

Her name is Marie-Jennifer. I am grateful to have this woman in my life- an extraordinary thinker, feeler, and sometimes unintentionally downright hilarious. There was one time we spent a couple of hours at a cafe watching a film on my laptop. Afterwards, (in a daze I suppose?) she got up to throw away her coffee/food wrappers and walked towards the back of a large armchair where an unsuspecting youth was reading a book. I watched her almost throw her trash on him before doing a double-take and remarking to me "oh shit.. I thought he was the garbage can". You can be sure that a raucous "HAHAHAHOOTHOOT' was my immediate reaction. I mean, imagine minding your own business, enjoying a lovely evening with a book at a cafe, when a rain of trash suddenly falls on you from behind. and to hear the person apologizing explain "I thought you were the garbage can". . . .

Constant Vigilance, Mr. Sandman!

      Falling in and out of love. I console myself with the fact that I'm the kind of person who doesn't really need anyone, who lives for individual experience and pleasure... like Cecile and her father in Bonjour Tristesse. For the most part, my interest in people is fleeting and I rarely form attachments (I blame the assortment of people around me, not necessarily a lack of interest in people themselves). However, I love when I meet someone that I can't get enough of. In these instances I don't mind the commitment, as long as it is not a game. I'm not one to waste time- I'm in the relationship because I want to be, and will exit whenever I lose interest or, though not likely, find interest in another. I expect the same from the person I am with. For me, this is what makes a relationship worth being in: when both partners make the effort, and find it rewarding, to keep each other interested and satisfied.

       In my experience, this seems like too high of an expectation. Is it really too much to ask for an effort for activity and excitement, for 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!' in all areas of life, not just relationships? I don't think so!

      I suppose I can only expect so much from myself, and maybe eventually I will attract someone similar. If not, I guess this will be a blog post In Memoriam and I will live forever alone because boys are useless ...OR I will focus my attentions on women, though I have yet to meet any in real life that I've found enrapturing BUT not to lose all hope, it is completely plausible that one day some miraculous circumstance will occur that will allow me to meet Zoe Bell (circa Death Proof W-O-W)... or identical to the movie A Room in Rome, I'll travel to Europe where whilst at a bar, a sexy female engineer will seduce me and lead me to her extravagant hotel room. We'll cry and confess suppressed memories and eventually I'll abandon my Russian fiance.